Game Review: Ultima VII
Chapter 4:
In our last episode The Avatar found some naked people in a cave full of bees, so yeah, oh and a magic carpet. We now find The Avatar back in Britain talking to a dirty farmer:
You saw what? Wait, why are we standing in this field? How did we get here? What happened to the naked people? Oh screw it, nothing about this makes sense anymore.
Damn it! All I want to do is climb inside and fly away from this crazy place, but all this hunk of junk does is play music when I click on it, it’s like an overgrown music box! A SHITTY MUSIC BOX!
Anyone got a smoke?
So you killed a space furry with a hoe? A magic hoe?
Yeah yeah yeah whatever, tell me more about the hoe!
If you don’t tell me about the hoe you’re gonna have a lot more to worry about than space furries!
Mmm hmmm
WHAT?!!
SHEEIT NEGRO! That’s all you had to say!
Locked up tighter than Voodoo Memory Manager, oh well!
To the castle! No locked door has ever stopped The Avatar from getting what he wants!
Here Tsareamedared or whatever the hell your name is, act like you have a purpose in life and hold some of these universal lockpicks.
Oh Lord British! Wielder of the white light and founder of the eight virtues! We ask you to bless these powder kegs in your virtuous name so that the way might be prepared for your holy servant so that he may glorify your name in all Britannia!
Amen!
Awww yeah!
This be one fine hoe ya’ll!
Now that I’m chillin with my new hoe it’s time to go to the Isle of Fire, why? Because I want to!
The Forge of Virtue:
It may be worth pointing out that this segment, called the Forge of Virtue was originally an add on pack for Ultima VII, it provided about 2-4 hours of additional gameplay, involved quests that boosted the players stats to max and in the end provided them with the most powerful weapon in the game that could also instantly kill victims and recharge the player’s mana, it originally ran about 10-15 dollars in the store…..Hmmmmmm
Your bowels aren’t at all stable.
Here we are! See I told you we’d be coming back here eventually!
Here we have the mastermind behind this whole mess, Erethian, a crusty old mage who happens to not be crazy, he’s also apparently been peeking in on me in the shower over the course of Britannian history.
All I did was feed it a few lace cards and it blew up, that’s what happens when IBM tries to take over the world.
By raising the Isle of Fire, of course! It all makes sense now, oh wait no it doesn’t.
What happens when you compile this mess?
Man I’m trippin balls.
Woahhh this is some good shit, let’s find a way to take it with us.
I can feel the music
Mirror mirror, damn, you ugly.
Well you can start by giving me all your valuables
If I was that ugly and I knew it, I’d wanna kill something too, hell I wanna kill something anyway.
Freeing demons from imprisonment is always a very good idea, especially if you’re the paragon of virtue.
But would I be very happy if he got it? That’s the real question here.
Someone, like me.
Well I guess that explains why this place is such a mess, well time to get to work! There’s three statues in the back, all three give quests and we’ll start with the quest of love!
Ok so this is the test of love, I guess love is all about stupid and dead golems, lesson learned let’s go home!
Blah blah blah boring shit, look pal if you want your dead buddy back you’re gonna have to cough up some goodies.
Gross!
You pick it up
That’d be great if I could make an army of golems to conquer the whole realm with, but I don’t think they’re going to let me do that.
And fuck this tree! Hey wait it bleeds, can trees do that?
Oh guess we can’t do it then, let’s go hit the pub!
Wait, what?
Missed it by *that* much
I got a better idea, let’s just leave, nobody is going to notice.
Fine! Whatever!
Swish! Bang! Boom!
That’s right and I charge a hefty fee for golem resurrections so you better cough up the dough.
So read my lips G-I-V-E M-E L-O-O-T!
And of course, I have to go get it, I have to do everything.
He gave me a talisman, can you believe this shit?! No money, no weapons, not even booze, just some useless little piece of shit triangle!
Bitch you better just shut the hell up!
I said…wait, what was that?!
OH YEAH! That’s the power of love! Okay this isn’t so bad!
Everybody’s talkin’ at me
No, not really.
Hey! Oh forget it.
Sonofabitch it’s dark in here and it smells like puzzles
A hood! Sitting next to a wall! It can only mean one thing!
It’s a secret wall leading to the real talisman! Haha! Fuck your puzzle bitch!
Can I trade it for some hookers and blow?
Hahahahaha! You’re a riot pal!
Oooo! How mysterious!
Yeah, usually by getting a lot of people killed.
There is however, one little thing we missed in the test of love…
Now this is what I’m talking about! Ditched that skank hoe for a real weapon!
Weapons of love
Now that Avatar has got his swag on it’s time to own the test of courage.
Fossilized dinosaur boogers=musket ammo, this is very important.
Oh look! A glass sword! That might be impressive if I didn’t already have a box full of em.
Me and my glass sword says you’re wrong
So that stony son of a bitch set me up!
The beating of a thousand lives begins with the first death.
Gem? Did you say gem? As in gem-that-can-imprison-demons-to-do-my-evil-bidding? That kinda gem?
Hey wait, what the? What the fuck you doin’?
So I’m suppose to lean way way over into this dragon’s mouth to get the ether gem, yeah there’s nothing creepy about this, hope you brushed your teeth bitch.
It damn well better be, ugh what’s that smell?
Oh yeah and when you sing about my amazing deeds and heroic daring do you be sure to leave this part out, got it?
And so, having retrieved the gem-that-can–imprison–demons-to-do-his-evil-bidding under questionable circumstances we leave The Avatar now in the test of courage until next time.Will he imprison the demon to do his evil bidding? Will he finish the test of courage? Will he ever get the stench of half-eaten heroes out of his flowing blond hair? Probably.
[…] Ultima VII […]
Excellent! Simply excellent. Well worth the wait.
Nice!