Game Review: Ultima VII
Chapter 2:
In our last episode The Avatar went back to Britannia against his better judgment to get revenge on The Guardian (DRM Satan) and EA (Elizabeth and Abraham) for fucking up his computer. A mysterious red moongate was already waiting for him when he stormed outside in a huff, after flinging himself through it in a rage he found himself in Trinsic where he was immediately accosted by a senile old man and a dirty ignorant serf who wanted him to clean the dead body out of the stables. Shortly thereafter The Avatar gets pressed into doing more meaningless shit like finding the murderer and baking bread which will no doubt reveal absolutely vital clues and plot information that could not be obtained otherwise because all the greatest crimes in the world were solved because the detective went out and did someone else’s fucking laundry for them. Soon after they are joined by Spark, the poor dead sonofabitch in the stable’s son because there are no child labor laws in Britannia. After robbing the town of all it’s valuables and murdering a few guards The Avatar feigns an interest in the murder case so the stupid mayor will let him get out of the damn city. After a really quick carriage ride we find our heroes on the outskirts of Paws, the shittiest village in all of Britannia! Our story continues….
About to kick your ass. Why did I stop here again?
Oh that’s right, everyone who knew enough to be afraid of me is already dead and murdering in cold blood just ain’t what it used to be anymore.
Yeah, whatever.
Hmmmm…Avatar enters the drug trade…nahh I just don’t have enough time between taking out the trash and playing detective.
Oh no! Let me get my Avatar suit on, oh wait I’m already wearing it! Time to fight crime!
Whatever happened to the poor houses in Ultima 4 and 5? Someone burn them down? Well I guess the virtue of Compassion needs an enema.
You should probably just kill yourself, or him, whichever one suits you.
I think it’s kinda funny how there was never any racism against black or Asian people in Britannia, but those gargoyle assholes just gotta go!
Yeah he said you have a fine ass and he watches you bathe while he rubs himself in marmalade.
What the hell is wrong with your face?
That’s another thing I’ve always pondered about, if everyone is suppose to embrace the virtues and strive to be like The Avatar then why am I the only one who got the job?
No, it probably has more to do with the fact that the economy is shit because Lord British wastes countless amounts of taxpayer money on shrines dedicated to the state religion and never actually bothers to get his fat fucking ass off the throne long enough to be bothered with what goes on in his country.
Fuck you kid, you’re a dick.
Why are all the children in this place brats?
Bout fucking time someone paid me the respect I’m due!
Yeah that’s me, The Avatar: Britannia’s number one odd job man!
Hey want me to plan your wedding too? I can probably do the catering.
Oh boy!
*Gasp* Oh no! Well sounds like an open and shut case to me! Especially if melonhead here is a witness! Let me just go sharpen my sword…
Look just get out of the way and let me do my job alright?
Wait, what?! The plot thickens!!
Aha! So the religious parent’s kid turned out to be a thief, a liar, and a druggie while the hardworking virtuous widow’s kid was innocent! WHODUHTHUNKIT?!
Habeeb it!
I’m gonna tell, I’m gonna tell! Nyah Nyah!
Sure kid, you and your bowl cut are gonna be junkies for life.
Of course he blames everyone else, what the hell do you expect?!
Lives ruined, my work here is done.
Let’s get out of this shithole!
Time to collect the rest of the Gary Stus.
You and your stupid hat better be more useful than stating the obvious about our location this time.
But I don’t want to go among mad people!
Well excuuuuse me princess.
Casual good humor=drunker than shit.
Lord British must be pretty hard up for knights these days.
Joy.
Well I AM rather sexy.
Omitting the part about looting the place and murdering the guards, of course.
THEN WHO WAS MOONGATE?
Yeah he was pretty useless in the last game and seriously, blackrock? It’s a rock that’s black so they called it blackrock? They couldn’t have called it something cool like The Motherfucking Black Soulcrushing Rock of Death?
Why does everyone keep suggesting that I seek out mad mages? Are you people trying to get rid of me? Besides I just fucking got here and you’re the king, aren’t you going to give me a lot of money and shit so I can complete my quest?
Oh yeah, that.
DUN DUN DUNNNN!!!
No doubt wasting even more Britannian tax payer money, do you give a shit that there’s a festering rancid shantytown right outside your glorious ivory tower? Of course not!
It’s not like it would have made a big difference back then anyway since I wasn’t the paragon of your man-made religion obviously designed to keep the masses in check while you funnel taxes into completely useless shrines dedicated to your messiah complex.
Oh there ARE goodies lying around this castle waiting for me to plunder them, but LB is a total dick as always and wants me to find them myself, so naturally I start by rifling through his room and discovering the secret passages he must use to watch his servants undress and Chuckles masturbate.
Well not really, I kicked all your useless asses to the curb, but who cares!
Sentri is more than just a warm body and an extra sword, while he gallivants around with me he trains everyone for free and I’d hate to spend money on these shitheads.
And you’ve done such a wonderful job obviously since people enjoy pinning you guys to the walls of stables with pitchforks.
But who the hell would want that?
Nah, I gave up on doing anything worthwhile a long time ago so I could help people take out their trash and play tidily winks with manhole covers because it always seems to progress the plot far more effectively.
Ooooo! This is the magic crystal that reveals the isle of fire to me!
And after long last I finalfuckingly open the door to the wondrous goodies that were promised to me by the so called king.
Oh yeah and I open a secret room with a goddamned GUN inside it, fuck yeah!
This is either Lock Lake or something that references a real life location in an effort to be funny.
Well at least she doesn’t look like some spaced out hippy anymore.
Good because I wasn’t gonna take no for an answer and I needed a Mary Sue to go with all the Gary Stus in my party.
Too bad for you guys I guess.
Shit man, we gotta go find that shit so Avatar can travel in style, walking is for losers.
Why the hell am I even talking to you then?
Man who the hell cares about that shit?! All I want is my fly ride that flies.
Yeah yeah, ok, whatever.
And Lord British knows that worthless pieces of shit are what makes the world go round, let me at it.
Right so we take this gay pink wand….
…And point it as some BlaHOLY SHIT THIS IS AWESOME!!
Good, another seemingly meaningless task complete, I hope I don’t have to learn to play some shitty musical instruments this time around.
Oh yeah she’s gonna be safe alright, everyone is safe around me.
Hmmm I’m kinda thirsty, so I guess I’ll just turn this on and….shit!
You turn it off asshole!
Oh God what have I done?!
And as our hero is nagged to death by alcoholic party members for wasting cheap shitty wine we leave him now in the city of love surrounded by a burning hatred for all living things. Will Lock Lake ever be cleaned up? Will The Avatar ever get his pimp ride? And what does the gay wand of blowup Blackrock have to do with anything? Who cares?!
[…] Ultima VII […]
Excellent! Simply excellent. Well worth the wait.
Nice!