Game Review: Ultima VII

By Origin Systems Incorporated
Featuring the keyring mod by Marzo Sette Torres Jr

After so much bullshit, Me, The Avatar finally gets to sit down to a game which mysteriously bears the same name as the real game, is your mind blown?!

Man what the fuck?

Is this some kind of DRM bullshit? I bought this game legit!

And it’s ugly to boot

And it knows who I am! Fucking always on DRM is always stealing all my personal info.

I sure as hell hope it was better than the last.

Typical DRM, trying to control everyone and everything, I bet there’s no modding capabilities in this game either.

That’s really great for you, now can I get back to my game?

Wait, what?

Fuck that! Man, pirates don’t have to put up with this bullshit, they just download the goddamned game and play, they don’t get harassed by the Jolly Green Giant’s evil fucking twin.

Yeah, you BETTER run.

I sure showed him! Wait what the fuck is happening my computer?!

That’s does it, that finally fucking does it!  Ass raping larper gypsies, magical coins waking me up in the middle of the night and now DRM Satan fucking up my games, this shit has got to stop!

Once and for all!

I hope I left enough food for the dog…

GOOOOOOOD MORNING BRITANNIA!

Who’s this crusty old fuck?

Well isn’t that convenient! That means that everyone who would have bowed down and worshiped me as the paragon of virtue that I am is DEAD.

I’ve only been here for five minutes and you faggots already want me to clean out the stables? I knew I should have just torrented that game.

Yeah, whatever, just don’t die of old age.

Oh yeah there was an earthquake, I guess it’s kinda hard to convey that in still screenshots, just shake your monitor a whole bunch for the effect.

I’m going to be getting this a lot, aren’t I?

Well, considering that if I don’t accept I’ll never get out of this shithole town and thereby never find the DRM Satan and thereby never get home again, I’m gonna have to say yes.

I guess we can take a look in the….COOL!!

What’s this gargoyle freak doing in here? Oh wait that’s right I established racial equality the last time I was here, forgot.

I’ll just take this as a down payment for the expenses I’m going to endure tracking down this avatar wannabe, oh and the sword too.

Someone trying to muscle in on my business.

You sure he wasn’t molesting the horses? Personally I wouldn’t trust those red motherfuckers as far as I could throw them and I could probably throw them pretty far once I’d mutilated them into tiny pieces.

I hate kids.

Well it’s good to know guards are still completely useless except as punching bags and loot drops.

That was just me stealing your entire store, thanks to Exult stealing has never been easier!

My wanted posters for murdering children no doubt.

Right, so this “The Fellowship” apparently hired Captain Hook to off the kid’s dad, that makes sense.

I don’t remember asking you a goddamned thing.

Thanks to the Exult bodybuilding program even children can have the body of a 30 year old steroid abuser.

Dun dun dun!

If only Peter Pan were here, then maybe he could sprinkle me with fairy dust and I could just fly the hell away from all these people.

With an introduction like that you know he actually exudes hatred and falsehood, this is how these things ALWAYS work.

Oh great here we go, every member of Scientology The Fellowship will be more than happy to tell you about how wonderful their new religion is and then ask you to join it, you’ll obviously feel compelled to say no, but you KNOW how this works!

zzzzzzz…..

Oh Lord British! Make it stop!

Yeaaahhno

Only when the plot finally demands it.

I fucking knew EA was behind all this DRM bullshit.

See, it’s okay to steal everything out of someone’s store or office, but if you eat someone else’s food….

Oh no! Thou wert caught!

You can’t be serious, this muthafucka talkin’ about ME?!

Don’t chu know who the fuck I am?

Am I real enough for you now, bitch?!

Thank you for donating to my cause! Being an avatar means living on the charity of other people, usually dead ones.

Well let’s go get the evidence out of the blacksmith shop so we can wrap up thissssssSSSSHIT!!

Well since I can’t STEAL it I guess so, well I did steal most of the money so I guess that counts.

Gold washes away blood much better than water. Oh well time to go check in with the mayor and tell him I found a body in the stable.

If you already looked then why the hell do you even need me? Dumbass!

I guess I found a key too

a trap door!

What a sec, how would YOU know what it opened? I think the mayor just become a prime suspect in our murder mystery!

The Fellowship doesn’t like Psychiatrists Healers

The same ship our murder suspect was on! This is so much fun!!

What a gyp! Oh well I already stole most of the valuables in town anyway so I guess that counts for compensation.

But before we continue on! My avatar senses start tingling!

What’s this? A locked chest out in the middle of the woods hidden behind a tree?! How strange!