Game Review: Ultima VII

Chapter 3:

What do I care? Oh yeah this is Nastassia or whoever who looks after the shrine of Love because everyone hates her and her daddy died and her mom killed herself.

Damn girl, you do that for all the guys who offer to go find your dead daddy?

Avatar gotta get some action when he can dawg!

Don’t worry folks, this isn’t Grand Theft Auto 3 or Custer’s Revenge.

Yeah right, she’ll never ever be mentioned again after the game is over. The Avatar is forever alone.

Man what the hell would you know about it you little shit?! You take Avatar lessons in between being an orphan?!

So you’re about as useful as everyone else around here.

I think my gaydar just exploded.

You just lost.

Maybe you should be more worried about your taste in headgear.

You know, the compassionate and honorable thing to do would be to let people make their own choices, oh who the fuck am I kidding?

Yeah, I guess.

C-C-Cubolt?

Y-y-you’re r-r-r-right, it’s h-h-hilarious!

Damn, that was easy!

Neo-wha? You know, everyone else around here sounds like bad Shakespearian actors, but this guy? Oh no! He’s the rebel! Also it feels like someone is flexing their Philosophy muscles at me.

Then he goes back to sounding like a regular jerk off, whatever asshole.

Oh, this is gonna be good, I can tell.

The truth hurts.

Oh wait, it’s coming to me! Moral lesson: If we’re brutally honest with other people without tempering it with humility and compassion we’ll sound like complete and total assholes!

Some people think they may be able to outsmart me….maybe….maybe….

I’ve yet to meet one that can outsmart powder keg.

I guess Penumbra got all upset when I left last time and locked herself up in her house, for 200 years.

Good times.

Nobody around here ever reads it either.

Oh someone who isn’t completely worthless!

Nevermind, she’s just as batshit crazy as the rest of them.

After I was done wandering around Cove and The Lyceum I decided to was time to upgrade my party’s weapons and everyone knows Iolo’s bows are the best bows around, but even though the fat bastard is in my party he won’t give them to me for free so I smashed the goddamned display case open and a had a little five finger discount, hey I’m The Avatar! I’m good for it!

Unfortunately the inept guard mistook me for some common criminal so we had the chance to try out the new triple crossbow, it worked wondrously.

Oh yeah I suddenly remembered I’m suppose to be finding Captain Hook for vagrancy or whatever it was he did.

If people around here did that I don’t think there would be a monarchy anymore.

He’s doing it again! But who cares! Check that shit out!

Are you some kind of magic carpet expert?

Awww yeah bitches!

Thanks to the Keyring mod the magic carpet rolled up into an easy to carry….roll!

Defacing a statue of LB is considered a terrible crime? Is it any wonder why things are so shitty in this country?

Oh no…not again….

Make it stop

I just do whatever I want and I still get rewarded, of course some people may try to stop me, but they just end up being part of my reward in the end.

Oh boy another case to solve! I’m beginning to think I should open up a detective agency.

Okay so we got these stone chips annnnddd hello! What do we have here? Things that should be mine, but are not mine, now I have a real case to solve!

Wha-what?!!! Why that’s totally possible because there’s one gargoyle on the island, this is a open and shut case!

Likely story, save it for the jury.

Why don’t you go run a level 3 diagnostic.

Aha! The Fellowship drove him to deface the statue of our lord and savior and for that he must DIE!

Okay this is starting to creep me out and LB is starting to sound more and more like Kim-Jong Il.

Who’s arguing with you? Oh wait I’m suppose to be LB’s secret police, time to get in the death van pal.

I dunno, I think it’s an improvement, maybe if we added a few skulls and some more blood it would be awesome.

Case closed! Come to papa!

Next stop on our list for reasons even I can understand is New Magincia where our drunkard apparently has a running bar tab.

Oh uh, hi.

Yeah, you were like, the first one to die, right?

Well you can start by giving me all your valuables and we’ll go from there.

That’s all true, but you’re just as brainwashed as the rest of the LB loving weirdos around here.

Gee, ya think?

Oh yeah, some dumb bitch’s locket got swiped by the pirates who are faking it, their big plan is to use it to get a boat, go back to Buccaneer’s Den and sell the dumb bitch as a hooker for more dosh, that’s all well and good, but as The Avatar it’s my duty to fuck up everything.

Of course, what else would I rather be doing?

See?!

It really is a great plan and all, but I got a reputation to maintain.

Haha, no.

Yes, the most logical course of action for a bunch of fucking nobody pirates is to attack an entourage of well armed people fueled with religious zeal for their God-King and his avenging Avatar.

lol u got pwnt

Ahhh yes the Britannian Mint my dear old friend

And I’m about to possess a WHHHOLLLLLEEEE bunch!

Pfft, this is just the beginning.

Just one quick murder and….

Jackpot!

Of course after I haul her ass off to LB to get revived I have to wait for her to wander back to the mint, but whatever, good things come to those who hate.

Aww yeah mah virtuous niggas! Avatar got money in da bank!

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!!!

I’d really like it if you’d die.

I just thought of something, Smith is the oldest fucking horse in existence, how the hell can you possibly explain so many human beings dying of old age, but this asshole horse has been around since Ultima 4?

Why are we even out here anyway?

This guy is another Gary Stu, a really wordy one.

Blah blah blah

Don’t feel too bad, lots of folks have wanted to destroy EA, but none have succeeded.

Now you’re a MAN! A MAN MAN MAN!

Sounds like fun.

I got news for you, ALL Britannians are savages!

As much fun as this is you just can’t con a con man.

Better than living in that shithole Paws I suppose.