Game Review: Wasteland

And per usual the welcome wagon is waiting for us.

You see written here: “The launch code is MOTEKIM.”

The darkened cell reeks of decay. You take a step inside and feel
something slick on the cell’s floor. You stoop and touch it, then
recoil as if burned. The empty cell is full of blood!

Fuck you game, I don’t do what you tell me!

The glowing torchlight flickers across a horrific scene. Men in
torn and blood spattered robes struggle against the ropes binding
them to massive steel tables. The tables slope down at the head
and a catchbasin at the lowest corner is used to collect the dark
flow of blood dripping from the small wounds cut into each
writhing victim. Priests rush from one table to another, gathering
buckets the way a dairy farmer gathers the bucket of milk from his
cows. They pour the smaller quantities of blood into a hole in the
floor, but you cannot tell where the dark fluid drains away to in
this dim chamber of horrors.

Don’t mind if I do!

I better cut this out, I might get to like it.

See?

And worst of all I can’t kill them!

A pair of Blood Guardians flank a complex control panel, the like
of which you’ve not seen before in the Wasteland. One of the
guards looks at you and you hear him mutter “infidels” under his
breath. Beyond them you see a large area of painted floor that
looks very much like a giant chessboard, but you can’t begin to
guess at what it might be for, or what it’s doing in the middle of
a temple.

WELL OF COURSE WE WOULD!

You appear on what seems to be the lower half of a large
chessboard. A booming voice echoes through the game grid. “Do not
stray from the path if you value your health.” Spectators fill the
dark galleries to hoot derisive jeers at you and wager against
your success.

These guys take checkers very seriously.

This really isn’t all that funny, is it?

I mean this whole thing, it just isn’t particularly funny.

Wasteland doesn’t lend itself very well to humor.

And being an unfunny fuckwit doesn’t help.

But then, prop comedy isn’t really all that funny is it?

And that’s what this is.

A huge list of screenshots with captions, one right after the other.

How many times can you laugh at Gallagher’s sledgehammer antics or Carrot Top before it just isn’t funny anymore? Did anyone ever laugh?

I’m so sorry everyone.

I hate myself so much.

The fact that you’re asking me indicates that it would be a very good idea to do so.

I bet this guy (not the guy in the picture, the other guy) has the bloodstaff!

And even if he didn’t I’d kill him anyway because that’s how I roll.

Although you do not recognize it at first, the object before you
is massive and sends shivers up your spines. You study it,
splitting up to explore both sides at the same time. From the
other side someone yells, “It’s a missile – but the insides have
been removed!”

Neither is sitting in an electric chair, or walking on an electrified floor, or bumping into unstable TNT, but I did all that shit too!

Is this what they spend the tithes on? Or is this for their holy communion?

Let’s get the hell out of this shithole.