I dunno! Lol.
We live in interesting times, times of great change and challenge to established ideals, change towards tolerance and equal rights, change that is effecting the gaming industry in such a way that they can’t seem to shut the fuck up about it for more than five minutes. I’m of course talking about gays and gaming or is it “gayming”? If you’re gay and you game are you required by gay law to identify yourself as a “gaymer” instead of a gamer? Oh by the way this is going to be a completely intolerant and bigoted article because I want to exercise my right to an opinion while I still can, so you better just shuffle the fuck off to Buffalo right now if you’re going to get the vapors, what the hell are you even doing here anyway?
So, yeah, now that we’ve established that I suppose it should come as no surprise that this article is really all about Bioware and David Gaider or should he identify himself as “Gayder”? Whatever, anyway the EA people on the panel at GaymerX which is a whole convention for gay gamers (which should be obvious) stated that LGBT inclusiveness is good for business and Davey went on to say that Dragon Age 2 was a good example of this because the inclusion didn’t hurt sales at all and quoth “Say a fan said on the forums they weren’t going to pick it up because they were offended, Another fan would say they bought the game because they heard it had that feature. That’s the sort of language companies listen to.”.
There’s something I wanna show you before I go on: Here’s the sales figures for Dragon Age: Origins on the 360/PS3/PC. Now here’s the sales figures for Dragon Age 2 on the 360/PS3/PC It’s important to note that the PC sales figures can never be very accurate because most PC sales occur on Steam now and Steam doesn’t release sales figures, but the difference should be very obvious yet both games have the much touted same sex relationships available for your perusal. David is living in a dreamland along with the rest of EA where sales figures don’t seem to matter and frankly I’d be a lot more concerned about the fact that Dragon Age 2 itself sucks dick, not the characters.
Oh hell lemme just quote the bottom half of the article:
Community manager Jessica Merizan pointed out that the executives in charge aren’t bigots, just capitalists. “Not only are they capitalists, they’re copycats,” Gaider told the audience (via Gamasutra). “Nothing is going to change so quickly as when some indie game breaks out and sells so many copies.” For this reason, the panel encouraged fans to vote with their wallets, putting money into inclusive indie games and abstaining from buying games that may encourage a more close-minded agenda.
Hear that? By that understanding Doug TenNapel of Earthworm Jim and Neverhood fame shouldn’t have received a cent for his new kickstarter Armikog because he’s an admitted closed minded fundamentalist and a bad bad man, yet 18,126 backers or should I say BIGOTS have funded his obviously evil anti homosexual agenda indie game! Still you can vote with your wallet by not buying the commercial product, but wait! What about OTHER indie games? Are they as close minded as well?! Let’s take a look!
Wasteland 2, the sequel fans have been waiting over twenty years for is finally going to become a reality uncorrupted by the hands of disgusting and loathsome modern gaming industry (Deep Silver is just doing physical publishing so STFU!) and promises to be a return to the classic style computer RPGs we’ve pined so desperately for. Featuring moding tools, cults, robots, etc, but where’s the promise of same-sex relationships in the dangerous and deadly wastelands?! I don’t see one so you should totally not buy this bigoted piece of trash!
Planetary Annihilation is being developed by Uber Entertainment and promises to be the spiritual successor of Total Annihilation the greatest RTS game of all time and no that isn’t even remotely fucking debatable. PA promises to “bring Real-Time Strategy to a new generation of gamers in a way that’s never been seen before- taking large scale real time strategy games from the past to gameplay on a planetary scale.” so take TA and add a whole universe full of planets and way too much crap to keep track off and while you’re at it piss off everyone on Steam by charging eighty dollars for early access and you get a game that is probably going to be fucking amazing, but where’s my gay robot lovin’? Nowhere in sight so give this hateful pile of shit a miss!
Already turning heads is Warmachine Tactics, based on a tabletop strategy game and really it looks like a Steampunk version of Warhammer 40K which is awesome and good, but where’s the manlove erupting on the battlefield? Nowhere to be seen, skip!
See how easy that was? By taking David and friends advice you’re gonna save tons of money and sleep a lot better at night knowing you aren’t supporting a closed minded agenda. You can feel good knowing you have the moral high ground while all your friends with no shame play these horribly bigoted homophobic games. Keep on Truckin’!
Oh dear! It seems that the internet has wound up hurting the feelings of indie game developer and Fez creator Phil Fish. Now it may be that some of you don’t actually know who this is because you haven’t played his stupid game (which I haven’t) or have somehow managed to avoid most gaming media outlets for the past year or so, so let me get you up to speed. First off, it should be completely obvious based solely on the photo above that Phil needs to be punched in the face several times, but what may not be obvious to some is that he is a pretentious asshole. In fact, he’s a pretentious asshole’s asshole and I’d go so far as to say that Cliff Bleszinski finally has some competition for the “most pretentious asshole” award.
“Oh but Tweed!” I can hear you say, “That’s so cruel and unkind! Surely no indie developer except Cliffski is deserving of such vehement rancor or wanton violence!”, but you’re wrong, as always. Fortunately I’m here to enlighten you in your ignorance, so before you think that such cruel words are unjustified let’s just take a look at what terrible things Phil has said:
This is probably the most famous Phil Fish quote, it proves two things: 1. Phil Fish is a pretentious asshole and 2. Indie developers who aren’t already rich or successful that claim they won’t whore themselves out for more money are full of shit. But wait! The fun is just getting started!
After Phil decided PC’s weren’t for spreadsheets anymore and gave us permission to play his game on days other than Sunday and not necessarily while seated upon the couch he made this little crack which should prove two more things: 1.Phil Fish is a pretentious asshole and 2. He’s a bad winner.
“So what?” I hear you say? “A man is entitled to his opinions!” You say? Of course they are! And the playerbase has made their opinions of Phil known, but if you aren’t fully convinced yet, read on!
There’s a whole book to be filled with quotes similar to this one, but some of you may still be confused “But Tweed, you’re a pretentious asshole too! And you don’t make games or have any money!” and you’re so right! But there’s a difference! One, I’m a fucking nobody writing and nobody blog that nobody reads and it would be the folly of fools to take everything I write seriously (though which parts I’ll leave up to you to figure out) and if by some twist of fate I become an internet somebody instead of just a nobody I’ll probably need to be a little more careful about how I word things, after all even the most jaded and thick-skinned of internet basement dwellers will only take so much shit before they lash out at you if you’re a somebody, in this case an indie developer. People are also willing to badmouth you while giving you their money at the same time if you’re games are good, but Phil pushed well past that point and the real problem isn’t so much that he’s a pretentious asshole, it’s this:
The little bitch can dish it out, but he can’t take it. Somehow, someway he seems to be surprised and appalled that the internet has taken umbrage to his near constant barrage of hatred and bile. Now Phil has gotten his feelings hurt, he’s taking his ball and going home, meanwhile the sycophants are out en force trying to make the internet feel ashamed of its actions, which it never is. Of course it’s just as likely that Phil will change his mind and be back next week screaming “HA HA FOOLED YOU FUCKERS! I WAS LYING!” so he can elevate himself to godhood status amongst pretentious assholes everywhere. In the meantime the moral of story should is simple, if you look like a pretentious asshole and you act like a pretentious asshole chances are you are a pretentious asshole and you shouldn’t get too upset when everyone on the internet starts to hate your guts with a purple passion.
Not that anyone cares, but I’ve been rather busy as of late and since I’m not paid a commission to bitch about video games or upload pictures it kinda took a back seat, but it doesn’t matter because no one is here, no one is listen, listen to the echo echo echo echo!